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Beautiful literature by Mrs-Freestar-Bul

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Submitted on
March 29, 2012
File Size
2.1 KB


26 (who?)
Love gracefully grows in the meadows of our hearts,
showing us our gold is in reach.
So dance in the heavens of never giving in.

In the dawning sky, I see something more,
like a door to open,
but what lies inside?
Hopefully not anything that leads to a
broken mirror,
but something that will take me,
while I never look back,
to a place where I can open my eyes
and take a breath
knowing that finally that part of me I've been fighting is gone―
not temporarily―forever more.
And all my days I live as peaceful and pure
as rain,
and my heart a freshly watered garden.
I'll never take a step backwards again,
except for when it's time to go,
but there's something so beautiful
that I can't take my eyes off of it.

There are new flowers to behold,
inside of you;
their spring is your smile

Sadness blinds you,
of not only sunshine, but also of the truth.
We've all had it, or have it, or will have it,
but don't stop there.
We kill ourselves everyday
with problems we look at through a magnifying glass;
I wonder how many rainbows we've missed.
But let me lift up your face into the light,
and give you all the love you deserve, need
and maybe without you even knowing it "want."
We don't realize how much we need to be holding another,
for without precious love
in the so many―too many hurricanes of life,
I don't know what would become of me.

Trust in the promise of life.

I want to have a story to write about;
I want to explode in joy;
I want to be in such a bliss
where there's no trace of a care.
I'm searching for the breeze.
I hope one day my tears give someone life,
whether tears of joy or sadness.
That place I spoke of,
from the doors of the sky;
having smiles,
lets see it together.
Hey, I hope this poem makes sense; I hope it isn't horrible; I hope you like it.
I called this "A Sad Piano Song" after the name of the song I was listening to while writing this.
I have some writings I'm working on, but they're not anywhere near ready; I want to take my time on them; I just submitted this one cuz I miss comments and fave!:D
Please comment.:heart:
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MagicalJoey Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2012   Writer
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of

Firstly, I don't think that the title actually goes with the poem. The poem isn't 'sad' in a traditional sense. It's more emotional and melancholy - reflective, I suppose, is the word that explains it more. I can't suggest an alternate title, as I suck at that, but I would change it to something else. Also, even though you've mentioned you named it after the song you may be in violation of copyright infringement by naming it exactly the same thing as a song by someone else.

Now, the crit:
:bulletred: ST = Stanza
:bulletred: L = Line

In the first italicised bit, I am wondering if you meant 'gold' or 'goal'. It makes more sense to me to have it as 'goal', but then again you could be referring to 'treasure in Heaven' or something symbolic like that.

ST 1:
L3 - 'inside' should be 'behind'. Stuff is inside a room, but behind a door.
L12 - 'I' should probably be 'I'll' as you are now talking about the future.

In the second italicised bit I would remove the comma after 'behold' and have the line run on into the next one.

ST 2:
L2 - both of the 'of' should be 'to'
L9-10 - I would place a comma after 'need' in L9 and 'it' in L10, as I feel that that part of the piece needs to be in parenthesis.
L13 - you need your other dash after the second 'many' to complete the parenthesis.

ST 3:
L9 - 'from' should be 'with' and 'of' should be 'in'
L11 - 'lets' should be 'let's'

You have used a good combination of punctuation and enjambment within this piece and it aids the rhythm very well. You have used the italicised parts as almost a ST on their own, split into three parts, and it works well.

Overall a good piece, but I wish that the title had been more original.

thetanforever Featured By Owner Apr 5, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Nice :)
angelichope Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2012
Thank you!!:heart:
Mrs-Freestar-Bul Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I absolutely love this poem :love: You did such a great job here dear Alecia:clap:
angelichope Featured By Owner Apr 1, 2012
I'm glad you think so, my beautiful friend!:):):) Thank you!!:heart:
Kay-March Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2012
It can be a song, the end makes me smile, so for me it isn't sad at all... I enjoyed too much to be sad.
angelichope Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2012
Thank you very much!!! Glad you enjoyed it!:):):) Like it says in the description, I named it that because of the song I was listening to while writing it; I know it's not really that sad. And thank you for the fave as well!:heart:
Kay-March Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2012
You're welcome, most welcome!
angelichope Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2012
Kay-March Featured By Owner Mar 31, 2012
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