Deviation Actions
Literature Text
if only you would listen.
I would write so many songs for you,
if only you knew they are for you.
Speaking from my heart,
speaking from my want to see you again,
speaking from my love
that you make warmer than a fireplace.
I would write so many songs about you,
if only you could actually be there when I wake up.
One step taken in our universe,
one more moment to be in your presence.
You just don't know it's our universe,
that this slow moving night belongs to us.
They can never truly turn off the lights with us.
The path that led to you was Hell before the Heaven,
with you as the first angel to meet me.
As long as you are the light, they can never turn it off,
and you are the light.
I have written so many songs for you.
I hope this can be a great year for writing with me. Fingers crossed!!
So some questions for 
would be:Does this make you think of someone you have ever had feelings for? (kind of what I was going for)
Do you feel that this poem is raw? (kind of what I was going for, again)
Do you like the simplicity of it? (also what I was going for)
Thank you and please comment!!
I will be critiquing this piece on behalf of
Firstly, thank you for your patience with us. I know this piece has been in the folder for a number of years now and your style might have changed/evolved.
Now, the crit:
ST = Stanza L = Line
You asked some questions about this piece. Your questions were:
1. Does this make you think of someone you have ever had feelings for? (kind of what I was going for)
2. Do you feel that this poem is raw? (kind of what I was going for, again)
3. Do you like the simplicity of it? (also what I was going for)
1. Does this make you think of someone you have ever had feelings for? (kind of what I was going for)
- I'm probably not the best person to answer this, as I rarely have feelings for anyone. (Bit of mental illness plus possible demisexuality). I can see how it would though, if you regularly felt things, so this would be a tentative 'yes'.
2. Do you feel that this poem is raw? (kind of what I was going for, again)
- Yes and no. The italics are more raw that the rest of the piece. The other parts, and to some extent the italics too, are very cliché and can appear trite and overused. For love pieces one needs either fresh, new imagery and words or a really clever take on old stuff. This piece kinda falls into the middle ground. Doesn't mean it's not good, just that it's not very 'hooky'.
3. Do you like the simplicity of it? (also what I was going for)
- Yes, although I would be wary of being too simple at times.
Overall a good piece.
Hope this helps,
Jo