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:iconangelichope: More from angelichope

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Submitted on
September 3, 2012
File Size
945 bytes


19 (who?)
The journey is so much longer
when you don't use your heart as a map, I say, while
traveling down your heavenly-rich brown hair.
Are you listening? or maybe you already knew that,
not surprising, but either way I'm filled up
with the most beautiful bliss, and you're to blame;
you and your smile that you're barely ever without;
hard to believe there is so much power in a simple facial expression,
but it transforms us inside, like the beauty in an autumn leaf.
Take me to where that smile comes from;
take me to where happiness walks the blue skies,
and kisses the light.
Be the heart and the map of my journey――
you're already the beauty of it――and I'm bound to
along the way see a lot of sunsets and cherry blossom trees,
that's just like you isn't it?
Haven't uploaded in a while, and this just came to me, so I thought why not? Hope this isn't terrible, and please comment.:)
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PoshSingularity May 27, 2013  Professional Artist
Hi, I got linked to this work by the critique group.

There's some good stuff in here that strikes the ear with some wit and originality, like 'you're to blame'- it has a sense of being fun and a little snarky. But then there are some parts that are a little bit more cliche, and they're unclear- are they sarcastic, or are they sincere? If they're sarcastic- which I think fits the tone better and is one of the things that give such vibrancy to the parts of this that are really working- I think you should consider pushing them a little more over the top, and making them more gushing and cliche. Make them deliberately 'bad', which will make them better; like mixing metaphours together so they don't make sense, and adding some bits of absurdity.

take me to where happiness walks the blue skies,

could be

Ferry my heart in the gliding wake of bliss through the crystal blue heavens of love

I mean, it's almost there- pushing it a bit further will help make sure the reader understands that it's not taking itself too seriously.

Or you could add in some more absurd extensions to help, like:

Be the heart and the map of my journey;
Be the truckstop junk food and stale vending machine coffee of my road trip――

You get the idea.

This is already a little fun- try to push it over the top and make it really funny and, IMO, you'll really have it. That doesn't mean that there shouldn't be a deeper level of playful sincerity and true love underneath it all too (I would say, treating it more lightly would bring that out even more by reflecting the joyous spirit of love).

Other than that, I'm having a little trouble with your meter; try to keep an eye on the overall flow. Some lines like "hard to believe there is so much power in a simple facial expression," are too long and come off flat, like when a singer just talks a line in the middle of a song. That kind of thing should be used very cautiously.
Seriously thank you VERY MUCH for taking the time to give such a helpful comment!!!!!:iconhugehug1::iconhugehug2:
I appreciate it, and will try to apply it to my next writing; I have a whole bunch of poetry in my notebook I'm still working on.
And your changes to some parts of my poem were good; I can't use them, that would be copying you, but you showed me some interesting things!!!:iconsabyworld:
THANK YOU VERY MUCH again!:iconcuddleplz:

A very great and happy day to you!!!!:iconkimberely:
it's really good, i like it!
ZexyPineCones Sep 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I love this...really quite beautiful. :) :) :)
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