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The journey is so much longer
when you don't use your heart as a map, I say, while
traveling down your heavenly-rich brown hair.
Are you listening? or maybe you already knew that,
not surprising, but either way I'm filled up
with the most beautiful bliss, and you're to blame;
you and your smile that you're barely ever without;
hard to believe there is so much power in a simple facial expression,
but it transforms us inside, like the beauty in an autumn leaf.
Take me to where that smile comes from;
take me to where happiness walks the blue skies,
and kisses the light.
Be the heart and the map of my journey――
you're already the beauty of it――and I'm bound to
along the way see a lot of sunsets and cherry blossom trees,
that's just like you isn't it?
Haven't uploaded in a while, and this just came to me, so I thought why not? Hope this isn't terrible, and please comment.:)
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:iconposhsingularity:
PoshSingularity Featured By Owner May 27, 2013  Professional Artist
Hi, I got linked to this work by the critique group.

There's some good stuff in here that strikes the ear with some wit and originality, like 'you're to blame'- it has a sense of being fun and a little snarky. But then there are some parts that are a little bit more cliche, and they're unclear- are they sarcastic, or are they sincere? If they're sarcastic- which I think fits the tone better and is one of the things that give such vibrancy to the parts of this that are really working- I think you should consider pushing them a little more over the top, and making them more gushing and cliche. Make them deliberately 'bad', which will make them better; like mixing metaphours together so they don't make sense, and adding some bits of absurdity.

take me to where happiness walks the blue skies,

could be

Ferry my heart in the gliding wake of bliss through the crystal blue heavens of love

I mean, it's almost there- pushing it a bit further will help make sure the reader understands that it's not taking itself too seriously.

Or you could add in some more absurd extensions to help, like:

Be the heart and the map of my journey;
Be the truckstop junk food and stale vending machine coffee of my road trip――

You get the idea.

This is already a little fun- try to push it over the top and make it really funny and, IMO, you'll really have it. That doesn't mean that there shouldn't be a deeper level of playful sincerity and true love underneath it all too (I would say, treating it more lightly would bring that out even more by reflecting the joyous spirit of love).


Other than that, I'm having a little trouble with your meter; try to keep an eye on the overall flow. Some lines like "hard to believe there is so much power in a simple facial expression," are too long and come off flat, like when a singer just talks a line in the middle of a song. That kind of thing should be used very cautiously.
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:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner May 30, 2013
Seriously thank you VERY MUCH for taking the time to give such a helpful comment!!!!!:iconhugehug1::iconhugehug2:
I appreciate it, and will try to apply it to my next writing; I have a whole bunch of poetry in my notebook I'm still working on.
And your changes to some parts of my poem were good; I can't use them, that would be copying you, but you showed me some interesting things!!!:iconsabyworld:
THANK YOU VERY MUCH again!:iconcuddleplz:

A very great and happy day to you!!!!:iconkimberely:
Reply
:iconawfultosee:
awfultosee Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2012
it's really good, i like it!
Reply
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Oct 7, 2012
:heart:
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:iconzexypinecones:
ZexyPineCones Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I love this...really quite beautiful. :) :) :)
Reply
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012
Aww, thank you very much!!!:heart::heart::heart::heart:
Reply
:iconzexypinecones:
ZexyPineCones Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:iconbigheartplz:
Reply
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012
:iconkokorox:
Reply
:iconzexypinecones:
ZexyPineCones Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:iconheartonfireplz:
Reply
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Sep 29, 2012
:iconblueheartsplz:
Reply
:iconzexypinecones:
ZexyPineCones Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
:iconredheartsplz:
Reply
:iconadonael:
Adonael Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
You misspelt 'allot' - should be 'a lot'

It was a little idealistic, but then the last line threw me because it sounds ironic...like you're being passively contentious. Or maybe I'm reading into it too much and being a cynical numpt!

Either way I loved the opening line, but with the comparative, you don't need the word 'more' next to 'longer'...all the same though...very nice opening line :D
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:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2012
You're right; I just looked at that word on Merriam Webster, and I was using that word incorrectly! Thank you!

Yeah, you're right again; I don't need "more."

Thank you for your advice!!!:)
Reply
:iconadonael:
Adonael Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Happy to be of help :)
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:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Sep 18, 2012
:)
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:iconcskadoz:
cskadoz Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012   General Artist
:yoda: tighten this up and winner you have
:dance: :woohoo: :headbang:
Reply
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012
Thank you, but what exactly do you mean???
Reply
:iconcskadoz:
cskadoz Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012   General Artist
it reads as if a line is missing in the middle. i'll reread it
Reply
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012
Where in the middle?
Reply
:iconcskadoz:
cskadoz Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012   General Artist
nope. nevermind. just reread. correct the typo in the next to last line and call it good.
:headbang: :woohoo:
Reply
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012
I just did; the typo I corrected was not putting an "and" between "sunsets" then "cherry blossom trees" that was it, right? And thank you for helping me out with that!!!:huggle::blowkiss:
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:iconcskadoz:
cskadoz Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012   General Artist
thank you for the :llama:
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:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012
:iconlove1plz::iconlove2plz: So very welcome!!!!
Reply
:iconcskadoz:
cskadoz Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012   General Artist
:hug:
Reply
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012
:iconkokorox: Thank you again for helping me out; like SERIOUSLY!!! I don't think I would have noticed that if you hadn't pointed it out!!:iconloveloveplz:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconyendys16:
yendys16 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Aww, nice :aww:
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:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012
Thank you!!:heart::blowkiss:
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:iconyendys16:
yendys16 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
your welcome :hug:
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:iconi-am-love-303:
i-am-love-303 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012
I love bliss, it makes me blissful :)
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:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012
Thank you!:hug: And thank you for the fave as well!:heart:
Reply
:iconi-am-love-303:
i-am-love-303 Featured By Owner Sep 3, 2012
You're welcome :)
Reply
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