Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconangelichope: More from angelichope


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
December 22, 2011
File Size
2.2 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
192
Favourites
8 (who?)
Comments
16
×
Pages turning;
words are written;
I open the pen's cap.
Can this be loved,
or does it pass by uncaring eyes,
leaving others untouched?


Yesterdays grabs at my today,
and attempts to blind my tomorrow,
but there is one yesterday
that barely ever appears―
a painful yesterday I need to learn and grow from―
that was the beginning of my journey.
Sadly, there are now pillows all over it,
so now while I can remember it,
I can't feel it,
and I don't know if the angels
would show it to me again.
I'd like that yesterday,
that gave me great pain―and meaning
to return.

Piano plays a beautiful song
while I search everywhere trying to find the words


Walking down a path alone,
where I gave my most serenity filled smile ever,
and the pure of nature must have smiled back at me.
I see an open field in my backyard;
in my mind and to my brother,
I call it the Garden of Eden.
It's just so weird how I was in love with
everyday I got to spend outside;
Even with the oh so many mountains
I have to climb, it made me happy,
but who's not happy
walking through a tunnel of trees.

Truth be told

I always imagine myself
on the other side,
when in actuality,
I don't think I've even taken the first step.
I wait for and try to create the day where
strength comes out of me
as if bleeding.
Is it possible miracles aren't a one time thing,
but everyday?
I know to be breathing is a miracle
in and of itself, but what about
doing more than breathing;
how about a dream coming true,
or even two dreams coming true
right next to each others?
A miracle I wish for
is to "be" then "stay" strong,
and escape this yo-yo effect
so deeply in my life,
but not a wish on a star or birthday candle.

Someone once told me to always have hope,
that doesn't mean never crying your eyes out,
it means hope will give you a tissue.
Well hope you like this!:) It's just some things about me; I know this can be a bit boring...I just wanted to write something different.
Please comment!^^
Add a Comment:
 
:iconaimeeraindrop:
AimeeRaindrop Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
I do like this pice. Could I suggest a name? "The Power of Hope" or "Hopes Powers" ? They're only suggestions, of course, and they might not work for you but just an idea!

There are a few thigns that I would change with this. But you don't have to, of course. It's your piece. I'm just here to offer advice :)

The first stanza, there is a line that says; "Can this be loved?" I'm not sure that this makes much sense in the context. I don't know whether you meant to write "Can this be love?" or whether you meant loved. But I stumbled over it when I read it.

I feel like you use 'now' too often in the second stanza so perhaps you could look at cutting that a bit? Also the description of yesterday as having "pillows" over it confuses me. Not the best image/metaphor/whatever you want to call it?

Third stanza - "and the pure of nature" - this definitely makes no sense and needs revision. Think about what you were trying to say and how to say it better.

"Truth be told" - as a single line this doesn't really work. Perhaps you could add something here to create a few lines, as you did with the two lines about the piano previously.

I like the ending, it's strong and a good description of what hope is =) This is a lovely poem. But I have to agree with the last comment; I think it would work better if you expanded on it a bit more and turned it into a prose piece!
Reply
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2012
Thank you for your critique. Funny, when I was first submitting this, I thought it was seriously good, but after only 11 faves, and this not being accepted in a certain group, I know am seeing that it's not as good as I thought.
But to clarify some things.

The first stanza, is kinda an intro to the poem; the line "Can this be loved?" is referring to the poem itself, Will this poem be loved?

Can you explain what you mean by using now too much?

And in the second stanza, what I meant by having pillows over it, is that it doesn't give me the same painful feeling it used to, like how pillows soften your fall. But I guess that's not so good!^^;

Would "pureness" of nature make more sense?

Yes, that's right I guess. I should've thought of something more.

Thank you very much, and this would work better as a prose I guess.

Thank you very much for your time!:heart::):hug:
Reply
:iconaimeeraindrop:
AimeeRaindrop Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
It is very good! I enjoyed it, but there are small things, as I said, that you could edit to make it even better and as a prose piece I think it would work better.

Ah right, thanks for clearing those things up for me xD Perhaps, though, you could find a better description than pillows?

Well there are two lines, one after the other, that have now in them. It feels a bit too repetitive. Perhaps you could use a different word?

Yes pureness works :D

You're welcome!
Reply
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2012
Thank you, I'm glad you liked it!:)

Yeah, maybe I could have!

I understand that; you're right!

Great!!

Bless you!:hug:
Reply
:iconmrs-freestar-bul:
Mrs-Freestar-Bul Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
İt's a nice piece. İ just felt that it was more of a prose than poetry. Your sentences were too direct for poetry.
You are doing great so far :dalove:
Best luck my friend :dalove:
Reply
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2011
Thank you very much my friend; hope you're doing well too!:heart:
Reply
:iconmrs-freestar-bul:
Mrs-Freestar-Bul Featured By Owner Dec 28, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Always welcome :hug:
Reply
:iconaskdafl:
askdafl Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
"Yesterdays grab at my today and attempt to blind my tomorrow." Great line ♥ Lovely poem. c:
Reply
:iconangelichope:
angelichope Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2013
Thank you very much!!!!!:iconawwwplz:
Reply
:iconpanda-saxophonist:
panda-saxophonist Featured By Owner Dec 23, 2011
Strange, I think this piece has more power because I can't percieve the subject. The words get across your struggle, without revealing the actual conflict. It keeps me curious. I feel the very fact that the pain is hidden is what constitutes it with the stuff of revelation.

The metaphor with the tissue at the end is a little sudden, and kind of in contrast with the tone of the rest of the poem, but good job.
Reply
Add a Comment: